


Crops and Robbers

by saraCwriting



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Balthazar & Castiel Friendship, Balthazar Being a Dick, Bobby Deals With Idjits, Bobby Feels, Castiel-centric, Destiel - Freeform, Gen, Hurt Sam, Idjits, Implied Castiel/Dean Winchester, M/M, Protective Castiel, Protective Dean Winchester, Sam's Bitchface, Sam's Hair, Snarky Balthazar, Soulless Sam Winchester, Supernatural - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-03-20
Updated: 2015-03-21
Packaged: 2018-03-18 17:14:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,276
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3577479
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/saraCwriting/pseuds/saraCwriting
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Three cheers for Sam! He's got lice, and they don't seem to stop coming. Castiel and Dean must figure out what is behind Sam's nit cluttered hair, meanwhile investigating the strange murder of a long haired fellow. Will Castiel and Dean be able to save Sam, or will they crack under pressure, and resort to the chopping block?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Sam's got Lice!

**Author's Note:**

> Hey Y'all!   
> This is Post number 2! And this Short Story is a tad bit longer, so I will be splitting it up into parts.   
> Please feel free to comment any suggestions, questions, or ideas for future fanfictions!  
> Kudos is highly appreciated! Please check out my first Fic: Laundry Day - A short story  
> Again, I am writing scenarios which quite possibly could have happened behing the scenes, and/or between episodes.  
> Have a fabulous day/night! (Part 2 will hopefully be up Saturday night-stay tuned!)  
> 3.19.15

“Has Sam met a girl?” Castiel walked into the makeshift apartment, KFC boxes towering in his arms. Dean choked mid chug.  
“Sammy.. meet a girl.. in Canada?- No”. Dean swiveled around to look at Sam, across the room, researching recent deaths in Quebec.  
“Sammy! When’s the last time you had sex?”  
Sam turned questioningly to Dean. “Um.. let me think.. 7 months ago”.  
Castiel furrowed his thick eyebrows. “His sarcasm addles me.” He crossed over to take a beer from Dean, setting the KFC on the table. “He hasn’t stopped stroking his hair since I departed”.  
Dean grunted, “What can I say, he’s an egotistical hippie-bitch”. He pulled out a razor from the pocket of his leather jacket. “I’ve been carrying this around since sophomore year”.  
Castiel reached for the razor, but Dean pulled it back, returning it to his pocket. Castiel took another beer instead. “There is something not right with Sam”.  
-”Yeah he needs a haircut.”

Castiel got through four boxes of KFC before Sam began yelling an enormous amount of obscenities. “Something just bit my neck!”  
“I don’t see any vampires Sammy.” But Sam’s hands were on his neck, in his hair, behind his ears, itching furiously.  
“My Jimmy has seen this before, with his little girl.” Castiel’s voice dropped low as hell itself. “Head lice”.  
Sam groaned, and Dean snorted. “Only Sammy would join the ranks of little girl hippies contaminated with blood sucking nits”. “Thanks Dean”.  
“Let’s bring out the mayo Cas!” Dean chuckled. “That’s what you get for running in the woods little brother”.  
“Okay, now that you are done traumatizing Cas, as you said before ‘Let’s bring out the mayo’”.

Castiel and Dean stood over Sam who they strapped down to a chair (Castiel’s idea) and were rifling through his mass of hair, bottle of mayo and fine tooth comb in hand. Sam had long since drowned himself in Kale shakes, which Dean had humorously spiked with single-malt whiskey. Sam was now humming metallica roughly under his breath, everything outside of that, hazy to his ears.  
“Cas, more mayo over here” Castiel plopped a hunk of mayonnaise the size of Sam’s fist onto Sam’s forehead.  
“Cold!”- “Shut up Sammy”.  
“This is putrid business,yet the feeling of fatherly responsibility overrides my discomfort”.  
“Okay. Enough daydreaming chuckles”.  
“I would like to have a young one someday”.  
Dean could tell he was serious, not only did Castiel rarely joke, his eyes had a faraway look, and it was making Dean extremely uncomfortable.  
“You’d be a good dad Cas, pass the booze”.  
Castiel pressed the bottle into Dean’s outstretched hand, catching Dean’s fingers with his own.  
“You will be a wonderful father my friend, really”. Castiel’s deep voice hit something within Dean. Dean excused himself to the bathroom, leaving Castiel’s arm hovering, still clutching the beer. Dean came back for it.

Castiel was still cleaning Sam’s locks when Dean emerged.  
“How’s the delousing going?”  
“The nits have been terminated entirely, he is going to need a mayonnaise dressing cap for the night”.  
Dean choked again, this time on ham. “Oh I have got to see this! Wrap him up so I can send a picture to Bobby”. Castiel grunted, avoiding Dean’s gaze.  
“You did great Cas” Dean’s voice was soft and rumbly.  
Castiel’s eyes flicked upward, a hint of a grin passing his lips. “Thank you Dean”.  
Dean nodded “ Go get some sleep, you’ve been standing for the past three hours”.  
Castiel smiled wanly, and left for the living room. Sam stirred. ”You two make a great couple.”  
“Shut up Sammy, have another veggie shake”. Dean started preparing a mayonnaise wrap for sleeping Sam’s now damp and oily hair. “Oh my g-d! Are you kidding me?! That! that is nasty!” Sam’s head, which had been clean a minute before, was once again crawling with the little parasites. “God dammit Sam! That’s it! I’m shaving your damned little girl hair!”  
Dean’s razor didn’t stop until Sam was buzzed like a marine. “I’ve been waiting for this day entire life”. He wrapped him up. “Sleep well Sammy”  
He took a knife with him to bed that night. “You know, just in case you take that haircut badly”.

Dean woke the next morning to the sound of Sam yelling his name. “Dean! You ass-hole! I will kill you with a fork to your heart!” Dean emerged to a hairless Sam staring at an empty wall, the mirror that once hung there now in a pile of shards on the floor.  
“That’s going on your credit card Sammy”.  
Sam practically growled. “You son of a bitch”.  
“She’s your mom too honey-cake”  
“Is this what you and Cas did during your little lovefest last night?” Sam put on a perfectly low imitation of Castiel’s voice. “I know how to solve Sam’s lice problem, let’s drug him and shave his head!” Castiel walked in, sporting a magnificent bed-head.  
“No it wasn’t Cas, he had nothing to do with it”  
“Stop lying Dean- it was me Sam.” “Stop it Cas”  
Castiel glared at Dean, and reached into the pocket of his trench-coat bringing out Dean’s razor and a lock of Sam’s hair. Dean looked positively flabberghasted.  
“Whatever, you both suck, and if I were you, I’d start wearing a bulletproof vest.” Sam, strode angrily to the door, stopping short before turning around. “You know.. if you guys value your lives”. Sam put his hand on the doorknob.  
“”Where are you going Sammy?”  
“To buy a beanie.” He pouted his lips, and walked out, slamming the door behind him.  
“Ouch. Why did you lie Cas?”  
Castiel grinned. “Did you see his face? There’s no way in hell I was not going to be a part of that.” Dean laughed. A real laugh. “You’re a good kid Cas”.  
“I’m approximately 5,000 or more years older than you Dean. But thank you none the less- But in all seriousness why did you shave his head? Life long dream aside, I cleaned him well”.  
“He was carrying a buttload of those mites when I got him”.  
Castiel’s expression hardened “That’s not normal, I cleaned him better than a primate couple on a hot summer day”.  
“Then what in the hell is happening to Sammy?”

Castiel and Dean watched Australia’s next top model for three hours straight before Sam returned. He walked in still pouting, now rocking a coal grey beanie over his new cut.  
Dean raised his eyebrows. “So that’s a beanie”.  
It was Castiel’s turn to look flabberghasted, but Dean snapped him out of his reverie with a slap to the cheekbone, which honestly hurt Dean a lot more than it hurt Castiel.  
Sam noticed. “Striking, I know. But I still hate you guys”.  
Dean looked sideways at Castiel, who seemed to be muttering under his breath. “Whatever you say Sammy, come on Cas let’s go grab some grub, I’m famished”.  
Castiel’s head snapped up, “Yes, Mcdonalds sounds fine”. 

Castiel ended up trying to purchase straight vodka from the obviously under-age waitress, and having a near panic attack when she told him they didn’t supply alcohol. Dean had to dunk Castiel’s head in a toilet before sitting him down, and telling him to deal with a banana smoothie. Castiel seemed better after three egg mcmuffins, but Dean was nice enough to spill a few drops of alcohol into Castiel’s fruit shake.  
“You okay Cas?” Dean worried about Castiel a lot.  
“Yes. Is your hand still stinging?” Dean grunted emitting a light laugh. “Yeah”.  
Sam had just returned from a phone call with Bobby. “There’s been a murder on Townshend road, guy was strangled with his own hair. Three miles from here”.  
Dean nodded. “I’m driving”.

Sam lead the walk back to the apartment building, Dean and Castiel trailing silently behind him.  
“Hey Sammy, did you go for extensions or something?”  
Sam spun around and clapped a hand to the back of his neck where his beanie ended, only to find little curls sprouting from beneath it.  
“Weren’t you bald five minutes ago?”  
“Yeah! Very bald! And very free of lice!” Sam started scratching, and Dean rolled his eyes.  
“Well hallelujah! They’re back!” Castiel groaned  
“What would give me lice, give me more lice, and then regrow my hair just to give me parasites again?!”  
Castiel looked up with a look of revelation. “Not what, who?”  
Sam and Dean’s heads shot up. “Gabriel”.  
“That son of a rebellious woman”.  
Sam and Dean both stopped mid-sentence and turned slowly toward Castiel.  
“Cas, did you just substitute ‘Bitch’ with two very innocent nouns?”  
Cas brazenly tossed his blue tie over his shoulder, raising his chin, looking Dean straight in the eye. “Yes”.  
Dean smiled widely, chuckling. “Oho Cas, you can sleep in my bed tonight, because I’ll be sitting alone in the Impala trying to figure out your brain”.  
Castiel turned a magnificent shade of fuschia, but looked straight at Dean, deeply and seriously. “Okay”.  
Sam rolled his eyes. “Oh my g-d! Please stop, it’s freaking me out!”  
Dean grinned at Sam and Castiel. “Let’s go catch us a son of rebellious woman angel”.


	2. Optical illusion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean, Sam and Castiel investigate the murder, and prepare to confront Balthazar about Sam's strange case of head lice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello friends!  
> Alas, Part 2.  
> I'm so excited to be doing this! I really love love love writing, and this is a wonderful way to play around while pressed for time. I've been given the ability to write and share my stories about characters I have grown to know & love. These people are my companions through everything, and I hope these stories give you a different type of window into their lives.   
> Again, please please feel free to comment and give suggestions and ideas for future Fanfictions! Also, anything you felt I've done wrong? Something more you feel I should add? Tell Me!   
> Please share, like, and lose yourself in these tales!   
> Part 3 coming soon!   
> Have a stupendous everything!   
> -sara c.  
> 3.21.15

Castiel wanted to kick down the door, it shattered. There was a dead man alright, he was hanging from a brass chandelier. His extremely long wrapped around his throat, leaving his face blue and oxygen deprived. “Yeesh! You sure this was the doing of a monster?” Dean’s face flickered around the room, “Okay, take a look around this mudhole, anything points to a suicide, we leave it for the cops,” - he paused “and, don’t touch anything.”   
Sam nodded, scanning the hallways. They split up; Castiel took the living room, Sam took the bedroom, and Dean took the kitchen. Go figure.   
“Hey guys check this out.” Sam was standing next to a giant bathroom vanity, over which was towering the biggest mirror any of them had ever seen. The shocking thing, was the vast collection of hair products arranged neatly on every surface available.  
Dean let out a long whistle “Wow!”  
Sam chuffed “Yeah! Talk about dedication.” Castiel was staring blankly at Dean. “I don’t understand what all this hair fascination is about.” Dean smirked “Remind you of anyone we know Cas?” He grinned back at Sam. “Haha very funny Dean. I am not obsessive about my hair”. Sam looked hesitant.  
“Enough of your bickering, let’s keep going.” Castiel walked to the door.  
“Kitchen!” And Dean walked out. Sam sighed, cracking his knuckles.   
When they were all in the kitchen, Dean began his hunt for lunch, while Castiel and Sam looked for any signs of a supernatural creature.  
“Oh we have hit the jackpot my friends! Sliders and fries all around! Oh. Sorry Sam, no cabbage here” Sam raised an eyebrow- “I thought you said not to touch anything, besides we just ate”. Castiel grinned as Sam walked out to the front of the house.  
Not a minute had gone by before- “Hey guys, get this!” Dean rolled his eyes leading Castiel out of the house finding Sam staring intently at his iPad on the front lawn. “What are we getting this time Sammy?” Sam made a face in Dean’s general direction. “This house, this whole block, it’s not real. I can’t find it anywhere”. Castiel looked up- “It doesn’t exist? Then I assume Balthazar is behind this.” Castiel started walking toward the front door, which was somehow fully repaired from Castiel’s destructive kick. Dean grunted- “Cas no”. “We must find out what his reason is” “We could just summon him!” Castiel reached forward and grasped the door’s handle. He breathed deeply, and swung it shut. When the door found the post, Castiel thrust his hand forward, exploding the house, finishing by sucking the exploded remains in through the palm of his hand.   
“But, all those sliders..” Dean crumpled a little.   
Castiel threw him a look, which so obviously told Dean he was sorry, but his response told him differently- “Dean, your mind has been obstructed by your immense love for food.”  
Dean looked deeply insulted, and put his fist to his heart- “But, it’s so good”. “Okay enough with the sliders. Cas?” Sam nudged Dean for help. “Oh. Yeah, please Cas continue your Balthazar-mojo-summoning thingy”. Castiel turned back to the door, straightening his trench coat and closing his eyes. A minute passed, Dean rolled his eyes and turned to Sam, “I can’t do this, his royal angel-butt is taking too long”, “It’s been a minute” Sam whispered harshly- “Nope. I’m gonna pray”. Dean planted his feet, and raised his arms, closing his eyes. “Oh Balthazar, wherever you great baboon may be frolicking, please quit it and bring your holy v-necked self down unto this dirt.” Dean opened one eye, releasing the ever so concentrated glare on his face. Sam, Castiel, & Balthazar stood staring at Dean, who looked ever so aghast. Dean grinned apprehensively- “Guess you beat me to it Cas. He-ey Balthazar..” his voice trailed off. Sam broke down laughing, Castiel sniggered, whereas Balthazar looked down-right offended. “Oh Shut up! At least he’s here!” Dean scowled.  
Balthazar smacked his lips and turned to Castiel “Yes, well Cassie now that my holy v-necked self is in your midst,”- he glowered at Dean “I presume you want to ask me some questions?” Castiel focused his attention back on Balthazar, “Yes, if you would give us a minute.. you know, preparation..” He nodded slightly towards Sam. In an instant Sam circled around Balthazar holy oil in hand, leaving a perfect holding cell. Dean dropped a match, before Balthazar could utter a single foul word. “Well, I see any means of my fleeing this foreboding ‘good cop-bad cop’ session are now smoldering around me.”


End file.
